


Day 3: Serious Inquiries Only

by MsCaptainWinchester (rons_pigwidgeon)



Series: 12 Days of Spideypool Christmas [3]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Adult Peter Parker, Boys Kissing, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Craigslist, Everybody Lives, M/M, Mistletoe, Peter is a Little Shit, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 08:03:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17179037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rons_pigwidgeon/pseuds/MsCaptainWinchester
Summary: I’m an out-of-work mercenary trying to make my way through this cruel world by any means necessary—any legal means, that is. Fun fact: prison is the worst. 0 out of 10 stars. Would not go back. Would not recommend to a friend.To that end, I am offering my services as a strictly platonic companion for social functions, be it work holiday party, Christmas with the family, Hanukkah dinner with that uncle you hate, whatever. I am prepared to act as a serious significant other with an elaborate backstory of your choosing to ward off unwanted suitors, uncomfortable questions from your friends, torment judgmental relatives, or all of the above. Pricing dependent on the situation and the complexity of my backstory. Will work for food, Christmas cookies, or Spider-Man memorabilia.Serious inquiries only.





	Day 3: Serious Inquiries Only

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt from Cheermione: _Alone this Yuletide? Irritated with prying and nosey family members?_
> 
> _I am an out of work mercenary currently trying to make my way by any means necessary that does not involve my resorting to thievery (prisons are most uncomfortable, I've unfortunate first hand experience). However, if you would like me to be your strictly platonic companion for any social function, but have me pretend that we are in a serious courtship, so as to torment your family and ward off unwanted suitors then I am more than obliging...'_
> 
> Thank you to my hilarious beta, mag, for making this fic better while also making me laugh. Much appreciated!
> 
> This fic is set in a post-Thanos world, four years after Infinity War ended.

“Look, kid, I know I told you on that ship that you were an Avenger, but we were in a crisis, and I really didn’t have any other choice...” Tony said, spreading his hands out in front of him as though that might help Peter to be more amenable.

Peter was having none of it. He had literally  _ died _ for the cause. He was not going to be treated like a child now that he was back. “No. I fought just as hard as you did against Thanos. I helped from the freaking afterlife! I’m not even asking to be an Avenger full-time. I still want to get my GED and go to college and all that. I just want to help out when you need me. I think I’ve more than proven I can hold my own in the big fights.”

“You have, you definitely have, but we just got you back. Your aunt would kill me if I let you get in that kind of trouble again.” There was no give in his expression, even worse than when he took Peter’s suit away, but unlike when Peter was fifteen, Peter’s argument had more legitimacy this time.

Peter growled under his breath and pulled at his hair, turning in a circle to get some of his angry energy out. “I’m twenty-one years old. This is stupid. I’m not a kid anymore. I haven’t been for a couple of years.”

Tony held a finger out. “Correction, your body is twenty-one. You’re technically still seventeen.”

Peter was a live wire of anger and frustration. “I lived through regular time in the Soul Stone, Tony. I’ve told you this. Four times.” 

“This discussion is over. You’re going to keep being the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, and when you’ve finished college, we’ll revisit the conversation. If you decide not to go to grad school.” Tony’s look indicated that that wasn’t an option he approved of. Peter was still too angry to care about that. He clenched his hands in front of him in a choking motion, but despite all his efforts, he still didn’t have the Force. 

“Did you just try to Vader me?” Tony asked.

“No,” he lied.

“Yeah, well, I’ve got a meeting. Go save some little old ladies from icy sidewalks or something. I’ll see you later.” Tony flipped his visor down and he rocketed away before Peter could reply. Peter could hear a few gasps from the ground five stories below. 

“Bye, I guess?” he muttered to himself as he snatched his mask up off the ground, shaking the dust off it before pulling it back over his head and swinging away. 

-

Peter was perched on a fire escape ten stories up, scrolling through ads on Craigslist—his favorite pastime when he was trying to cool down from an argument or a bad fight. Some of the weird shit people tried to sell or do in New York was wild—when he came across the listing. He recognized the writer immediately.

_ I’m an out-of-work mercenary trying to make my way through this cruel world by any means necessary—any legal means, that is. Fun fact: prison is the worst. 0 out of 10 stars. Would not go back. Would not recommend to a friend.  _

_ To that end, I am offering my services as a strictly platonic companion for social functions, be it work holiday party, Christmas with the family, Hanukkah dinner with that uncle you hate, whatever. I am prepared to act as a serious significant other with an elaborate backstory of your choosing to ward off unwanted suitors, uncomfortable questions from your friends, torment judgmental relatives, or all of the above. Pricing dependent on the situation and the complexity of my backstory. Will work for food, Christmas cookies, or Spider-Man memorabilia.  _

_ Serious inquiries only. _

_ Seriously. I promised a friend I wouldn’t do crime for pay anymore. Gotta make that cheddar somehow. _

“Gotta make that cheddar somehow, huh? You idiot,” Peter muttered to himself, but he already had the email up on his phone. Peter might not be allowed to be an Avenger yet, but he had a glittery invite to their holiday party sitting on his desk at home, and Pepper had already told him he could bring a plus one if he wanted, had practically spelled out that she’d love to see him with someone. He doubted she was going to be pleased with this turn of events, but she could blame Tony for it later.

-

Peter took one look at Wade and had to brace himself on his knees. “That is perfect,” he gasped, still laughing so hard there were tears forming in the corner of his eyes. Wade had showed up to his door in his full Deadpool suit with a Santa hat and beard on over his mask, and a bright green knit Christmas sweater that said ‘Kiss me under the mistletoe’. A sprig of mistletoe was tucked into his belt right above his crotch. “Amazing. Oh god, Tony’s gonna throw a fit. I can’t wait to see his face.” 

“I aim to please, Webs.” Wade struck a jaunty pose, whipping his head around as if to flip his non-existent hair. 

Peter wiped at his eyes and straightened. “Let’s go. I gotta see the reaction as quick as possible.” Peter called a goodbye to his aunt and pulled his coat on as he shut the door, tucking his mask into the front pocket to put on later once they were far enough from the apartment. No one would recognize him as Spider`an dressed as he was in skinny jeans, a red Spider-Man Christmas sweater Ned had given him as a joke, and his favorite red Chucks. 

Wade swung an arm around his shoulders as they walked down the street towards the subway. Peter had thought about webbing them, but it was too fucking cold, and he wasn’t going to give Tony the satisfaction of using his suit’s heating function when he wasn’t on patrol. “So, we should probably come up with a cover story for when we get to the party. How are we playing this? Partners in crime? Illicit lovers? Real lovers? I could play that so well, baby boy. You don’t even know.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “I’m aware. I think you just being at the party is going to be enough to send Tony into an apoplectic fit, but we could probably hint that we’re talking to really tip the scales.”

“Talking? Is that young people talk for fucking? I can’t tell anymore.”

“It means we’re hanging out more regularly, talking about the possibility of dating, I guess. I’m not good at this stuff in the real world. You know that.”

“Oh, I remember you crashing and burning with that pretty, disgruntled friend of yours.” Wade squeezed his shoulder, grinning through his mask and the beard somehow, his voice a little more gleeful than was warranted in Peter’s opinion.

“Thanks. You’d make a terrible wingman.”

“Can’t be a wingman if I’m trying to slip into that spandex myself, Spidey-babe. Please don’t ask me. I don’t need that kind of mental anguish.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

Wade didn’t argue with him. Instead, he bussed his cheek and dragged him down the steps to the subway.

-

“No. Unacceptable. That creep is not coming into this house. I wouldn’t let him into my home if he was the last person on Earth, and I needed CPR. Absolutely not,” Tony said as soon as he opened the door to find Peter on his doorstep with Wade in tow, his arm still thrown around Peter’s shoulders. 

“Tony, it’s Christmas. Don’t be a Grinch,” Pepper warned from behind him. She appeared in the door at his side, as sleek and put-together as usual in a form-fitting green silk dress and heels that looked like they could double as a weapon. Knowing Pepper, they probably could. 

“Hey, Ms. Potts. I brought a plus one, like you told me to.”

“I can see that. What a… festive outfit you have on, Deadpool. Welcome to our home.” She brushed aside a fuming Tony, whose face was beginning to turn purple, and gestured for them to come in. 

“Pepper, sweetheart, we’re not letting that criminal in our home. The last time he walked onto one of our properties, he blew it up,” Tony said, turning to face his wife with a strained look over his shoulder at Wade.

“Wasn’t H.A.M.M.E.R. involved? I think he gets a pass if he was trying to stop an international incident, Mr. Stark,” Peter said.

“Quiet, you. The grown-ups are talking.” Tony turned to Pepper once more as if that were the end of the discussion, but Peter bristled at the continued insistence that he was a child.

“I’m twenty-one. I bought the alcohol we brought.” Peter held up the bottle of spiked eggnog he’d bought at the bodega down the street that morning. Tony took one look at it and scoffed. 

“You aren’t helping your case.” He turned back to Pepper once more. “Pep, look—”

“Deadpool has done more work for SHIELD this year than you did. If Peter wants to bring him to our holiday party, he’s more than welcome. Stop being such a bad host and let them in,” Pepper scolded him, nudging him out of the way. “Here, let me take your coats,” she said, holding out her hands. Peter shrugged his off, already having donned his mask in an alley after they got off the subway. Wade wasn’t wearing a coat, but he rarely needed to. He once told Peter he ran hot with the constant cellular repair happening in his body, and every time Wade jumped on his back for a swing through the city confirmed that.

The two of them stepped in past Tony, and Peter tangled his fingers through Wade’s, smiling up at him through his mask. “And I called you a Grinch when you wouldn’t sing Christmas carols with me on the ride over,” Wade said as he slid into Peter’s personal space like he lived there, slipping into clingy boyfriend mode alarmingly quickly. Peter found he didn’t mind.

“Are you trying to punish me? This feels like a punishment,” Tony said, still standing in the doorway.

“Tony—” Pepper warned from her position in the coat closet, hanging Peter’s coat up. She didn’t even look back to check that Tony was complying with her tone.

“They’re holding hands. This has to be intentional. There’s no way this is a… thing. Oh god, please tell me this isn’t a thing, Webs. I can’t handle it. My heart…” Tony pressed a hand to his chest as if Peter didn’t already know he’d had a heart transplant five years ago, and the only thing on his chest was the mechanism to launch the nano Iron suit. 

“Is fine. Stop being a Scrooge, Tony,” he said with a sharp look at Tony over his shoulder as he ushered Wade down the hall towards the living room. He could already hear Thor and Rocket singing Jingle Bells out of tune. 

“I’m not—” Tony pursed his lips together and turned to Pepper for solidarity, but she only held her hands up with a smirk and walked away.

“Spider-Man, come on—” he continued to try, following Peter and Wade down the hall, but Peter ignored him in favor of taking Wade over to Steve and Bucky, who were laughing about something, both with glasses of eggnog in hand. Inside, he was giddy with how upset Tony was. Served him right for the way he was treating Peter. 

“Wade, Spider-Man,” Steve said, nodding to the both of them in turn. He didn’t look at all fazed to find Deadpool at Peter’s side at a holiday party. Neither did Bucky, though he did give him a hard assessing look. Probably checking for weapons. Peter caught him doing that a lot. Wade launched into questions about holiday celebrations during the Great Depression, and all intervention attempts by Tony melted into the background. 

-

Peter and Wade were arguing over whether or not pineapple was an acceptable pizza topping when Peter’s spidey sense went off, and he looked up to find a sprig of mistletoe floating above their heads. He whipped around to find Wanda standing in the corner next to Vision, a grin on her face as she manipulated the mistletoe into place. She waggled her eyebrows at Peter comically and made kissy faces at him. Peter immediately blushed red, mostly hidden by the mask even though he’d rolled it up to his nose not long after they arrived to gorge on cookies.

“We have uh… a situation,” he told Wade, pointing up at the mistletoe.

Wade looked up as well, then back at Peter, then back up at the hovering leaves, and back again in quick succession. “We don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable, Webs.”

“Why not? Nothing would piss Tony off more.”

Wade’s lip curled downwards for a fraction of a second before he wrapped an arm around Peter’s back to pull him close. He tugged down his beard and pushed his mask up and their lips met in a soft kiss. It was supposed to be a brief peck, but sparks flew up Peter’s back as soon as their lips touched, and he pressed into Wade, unable to resist the urge to deepen it. Distantly, he heard a man’s groan of pain from across the room, but he ignored it. 

Wade dipped him back like they were in an old black and white movie and only set him back on his feet when they pulled away. Peter blinked up at him, unsure how to feel about what had just happened. 

“Are we still ‘talking’ or do you wanna go steady now?” Wade asked, his voice a little huskier than usual. 

Peter snorted softly. “You gonna give me your letterman jacket?” 

“I totally can. I’ve got one, somewhere in the merch boxes. Bet you’d look hot in it.”

“Does it count if you didn’t wear it in high school?”

“Oh baby boy, I love that you think I finished high school. That’s so wholesome and good. You know I didn’t.”

“No? Me either. Turns out being dead for four years doesn’t count as an excuse. Who knew?”

“Bullshit, if you ask me.” 

“Agreed. About that letterman jacket, though…” 

Wade answered him with a kiss. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want writing updates from me, you can follow me on Twitter [@RonsPigwidgeon](https://twitter.com/RonsPigwidgeon) or Tumblr at [MsCaptainWinchester](https://mscaptainwinchester.tumblr.com/).
> 
> And if you'd like to come yell about Spideypool with me, join the 18+ Discord server I co-mod, [Isn't It Bromantic](https://discord.gg/cfZEbNv)!


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